The misconceptions revolving around depression from those who don’t have first hand experience, or at least know someone who does, drive me insane.
Depression does not mean you spend every waking moment sobbing your eyes out and hating everyone. Sure, there are those moments for some, but many times it’s not sadness—it’s an overwhelming sensation of being numb. Just numb.
It’s hard to explain to someone the feeling of nothing. Of having absolutely zero motivation. Eating, getting dressed, anything, seems pointless when it feels like you’re separated from the world around you.
While in the back of your mind you may know that this will end, that sooner or later you will be back to normal, whether through help from friends and family, medication, or it just fades and you can get back to normal life, that doesn’t matter. If you are under the impression that you’re drowning and there is no way to resurface, you stop fighting. You just can’t bring yourself to care.
Maybe I’m crazy. Maybe my ranting is useless and no one will ever read this, I’m just typing away to myself. But if anyone does read this, and the water is pouring in, you’re losing the will to swim, I won’t ask you to try and stay afloat. That’s a task that is sometimes impossible. Let yourself drown if you must, but don’t close your eyes. Keep them open, because sooner or later, whether its a day, a month, years even, someone will find you. A search team always comes, and when they do, let them find you waiting, let them find a survivor, not a body.
I don’t always listen to my own advice. Even as I type this, a lot of it is to myself, trying to convince myself that what I say is true. But maybe you will. I hope you will.
Keep your eyes open. Wait. Just one more breath. One more. For me. For yourself. For hope.